Let me get my “turd in the wind” joke out the way. Okay so this isn’t literally a turd in the wind (based off of a trailer punchline and scientifically impossible in any case!), but the film bounces around enough to a point that it may as well be 😛.

Tom Hardy plays Eddie Brock, a disgraced journalist who ends up bonding with a parasite that turns him into something like a shadow, and much more badass and stronger version of Spider-Man. So you could do a lot with this character, right? And given the parasite, from the comics, came out of an infected version of Spider-Man, passed onto Eddie, you should definitely try and go for something different.

Unfortunately, we never really get the chance to see what could be, as the film’s tone jumps around so much that it can’t be sure whether something’s a joke moment, or serious, as such. I feel bad for the actors, who, whether it be Tom Hardy himself, Michelle Williams as Eddie’s ex, Riz Ahmed as the villain, Carlton Drake/Riot. Each and every one of them try.

But at the end of the day, it really does come down to that the tone jumps around enough that there’s never enough consistency. I didn’t feel Ruben Fleischer, the director, having a comfortable time, and so none of us do really. Don’t bother with this film, no matter how awesome the director and cast are!